The joys of SPD and sleeping
Sensory Processing Disorder (“SPD”)
How does it affect sleep?
In my article "Permission to parent without judgment", I mention a defining story of my bad decision to teach H to sleep "on the go" during the day when she was small. I had assumed that she would follow the same pattern as my eldest had done as a baby, that she would start sleeping through the night by around 12 weeks; that she would sleep in a pushchair in the day. My eldest’s sleeping patterns were, after all, my only point of reference and I was naive enough to assume the same would happen again with H. Oh how I laugh at my innocence (because if I don't, others will!)
I actually have two stories on the subject of sleeping on the go and I will share them both (relating to H as a teeny bubba).
First story
My first story talks about my NCT group.
We would meet up weekly whilst we were all still on maternity leave, often at our local garden centre cafe.
Myself and one of my now besties would be the two mums in the group who would habitually do laps of the perennial plants as our girls screamed their lungs out (from over tiredness and over stimulation).
We would both gaze longingly through the cafe window at the others as they fed and burped their bubbas, popped them into the pram, rocked them gently for two minutes and then sat back to sip cappuccinos and eat cake, in what seemed like a seamless procedure. Jeez, some of them didn’t even have to cover the pram over to block out light and distraction! When it never happened like that for me, it left me feeling like my parenting was permanently on “stage”, questionable and open to scrutiny. I was the only mum in the NCT group who was doing this for the second time, and I seemingly still didn't know what I was doing compared to their debuts!
So, parents of babies and toddlers who will not sleep in the pushchair on the go, this blog is for you!
It’s not what you are doing that is making this extremely difficult. Neurodivergent children are sensory sensitive. They are sensitive to all things light, sound, smell, touch. It affects their entire ability to block out the world and switch their brain off. They really aren't doing it to ensure you only ever drink cold tea/coffee!
I admit I was so grateful when the daytime naps ended. At least the only sleep challenges we had then were bedtime ones!
Not napping well during the day will mean having an overtired baby/toddler. Contrary to what many people think, this does not mean they will sleep better at the next nap or bedtime! In fact, the less quality sleep a baby/toddler has and the more tired they are, and the less well they sleep in general. It is a vicious cycle. If they sleep better, the longer and better they will continue to sleep. Crazy when you first think about it but it actually makes sense. A overtired baby/toddler has heightened sensory and emotional dysregulation, and therefore their nervous system is not in a conducive state for sleep. Good sleep promotes more good sleep.
Do whatever you need to ensure that a good nap is had by managing their sensory input so that you can break the cycle of doom.
One of my biggest bug bears over the years is when people have said "Oh H has been on the go and running about all day, she will sleep well tonight won't she??" And I just want to scream like a demented banshee in their face:
"NO, she will NOT!! She will be so overstimulated and overtired that she won't be able to wind down, bedtime will be horrendous and she will probably go to sleep late. An overtired baby and toddler will often also wake up early the next morning because of overtiredness and so tomorrow will be.hell.on.earth!!!".
Of course, I don’t scream any of the above, I just smile politely and say “Oh yes, we hope so!”
It is surprising how few people actually know this about the “good sleep creates good sleep” pattern and I can only assume that it's a well kept secret, kept from parents like us, to whom it has an actual impact.
Who is the keeper of such secrets?? Why aren’t they sharing??
So if you didn't know that, you are welcome, because now you do! It is like spending your entire life on a tightrope. The crucial balance of giving them enough opportunity to expend the energy they need to in order to be tired but definitely not enough to make them overtired so they don't sleep well. Where is this invisible line I hear you cry??? It is different for every child and fluctuates from day to day depending on their regulation levels and external environment factors. However, just being aware that the tightrope exists can give us a fighting chance of managing and juggling their fun time and their downtime.
I learned over the last six years that asking H to have two very busy fun / social days in a row can have catastrophic results. However, the older she gets, the less impact that is having and it is definitely improving. I still try to make sure that she has one quiet day each weekend, or least a quiet afternoon. Much needed downtime in order to allow her to take her mask off, let her body and mind rest and re-set her nervous system so that she gets a restful night's sleep to rejuvenate properly. It’s a never a guarantee of course, but knowledge helps us to manage it with focus.
There are times when we aren't able to do that though due to external factors and, when that's the case, I am aware of the storm that's coming and we weather it, to the best of our ability, without judgement or criticism. Again, H isn't choosing to be overstimulated and overtired. She's learning about herself and so we enter into open discussions about why she needs that time, so that she can learn to recognise it internally in her own body. If she can label those emotions for what they are, to tell us when she needs "time out", then we take the win!
Second story
Not one of my proudest moments but it was the defining one!
H was about 4 months old. I had received some unwanted judgement from a few other mums (not NCT ones just to be clear!) about H restricting my freedom by not sleeping ‘on the go’ One mum even said to me "Oh I wouldn't have that, it would drive me mad. Mine just climbs into the pushchair wherever we are, whatever the time, if he’s tired - and he just goes to sleep. I wouldn't be able to handle one likes yours. We don’t let him dictate our lives, he fits around us!".
She said it as if we chose this in our parenting contract at the point of conception. Oh let me see now - why don’t we have a child who won’t sleep, that will be fun won’t it?! Shall we sign here?? I spent several sleepless nights trying to decipher whether she laid the blame at H's door or mine! Either way, it didn't sit well and it made me extremely anxious about attending anything social.
I am going to confess that I let that judgement get the better of me and I made the decision to do something which I regret but something that I’m also grateful for, in equal measure. I learned a huge lesson from it. It was a turning point in my decision (as far as sleep training went anyway!) to not allow others to influence my parenting choices.
So here’s the story
It was a beautiful Spring day and I needed to get some bits from our local Lidl. After spending countless hours replaying all these judgemental comments in my head (as us neurodivergents tend to do), I was determined that we were going to go for a nice walk and she was going to go to sleep in the pram, and whilst she was peacefully sleeping I was going to go into Lidl and do some shopping.! I mean, we see it everywhere we go don't we - babies blissfully sleeping whilst being pushed around the supermarket by a "smug mamma". I was thinking “we got this!!!”
Well, I walked and walked and walked, I can’t remember how long for, probably the equivalent of 25 trips to Lidl and back. Eventually after much frantic fussing, she passed out, so in we went. The second I stepped through the doors, every sense must’ve hit her brain like a shovel. The sound of the cars giving way to bleeping tills. The warm bright sun being replaced with the sudden chill of the dairy isle. Her eyes flew open and the screaming.was.immediate.
I was already dreading some well intentioned spectator peeping into the pram and saying “Aawww, is she tired?” or “Oh is someone hungry??” because I might scream “Yes me, you interfering [insert rude word of your choice]. I’m tired and hungry. And hormonal. And doing my best, so walk away judgemental lady, walk away very fast!”. I did an about turn and scurried home.
In a moment of mad frustration, I decided that, no matter what, we were going to conquer this “not sleeping on the go” issue.
So, after lunch, I put her back in the pram in the dining room, covered it over with a sheet and went into the other room. She immediately started to cry but all I could hear were those external voices telling me to get tough with these life lessons. The crying inevitably escalated and even though I knew she was getting distressed, I couldn’t shake that overwhelming weight of others’ judgement if I gave in and picked her up. The old school parenting of "let them learn to self-sooth" was eating away at me. The voices replaying in my head: "Stop running to pick her up the minute she starts to cry Kate, for goodness sake!". It almost killed me but I paced back and forth whilst she screamed for about 10 minutes - until I heard her projectile vomiting. It was a full milk tsunami. I was utterly mortified. I had deserted her and she had no idea why.
Why would I do this to her? Why were the judgements of others more important to me than my own daughter's well being? I secretly cried about it for days. It took me all afternoon to clean that pram and it stank of milk for a while afterwards but that was nothing compared to the distress it had done to both of us!
So, this was my defining moment.
I decided that I needed to meet her needs first. If it meant day time naps were restricted to being at home, in her cot, with a white noise machine and blackout curtains at the windows, so be it. If she slept better, it meant she’d eat better. If she ate and slept better, it meant she’d be more regulated. If she was regulated, it would change our world!! Well it didn’t change it completely, right from that point, but it certainly taught me a lot about myself and my parenting. We, as adults, are still forever learning. Still building that personalised parenting manual!
Remember knowledge is power and empowerment brings change.