Permission to parent without judgement
Let’s talk about what it is to parent your neurodivergent child without judgment from others. Who here has had that privilege?
Probably not many of us.
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs at the best of times but people will always have an opinion on someone else’s technique. If they see us struggling, they will want to share their views based on their experiences (mostly with kind intentions of course although it rarely feels that way when you’re on the receiving end and you’ve learned to become understandably defensive!).
It’s especially true of parents of neurotypical children (children who are easily able to conform to the traditional parenting style) who have a tendency to make us feel like we are doing something wrong and that’s why we aren’t getting satisfactory results with our kids. After all, they just did “x” with their child, and their child was fine! So just do the same with your child and they’ll respond the same way, won’t they?!
Those of us who are raising neurodivergent children will have realised pretty early on that our experience of parenthood is a completely different ball game to theirs, on every level. It is hard. It never has a day off. Sometimes it doesn’t even have an hour off!
It’s a good time to remember, though, that our neurodivergent children are also having an extremely different experience of childhood as well. It is hard for them too, on all levels, in every way.
I read a great motto once that said “your child is not giving you a hard time, they’re HAVING a hard time”. I try to keep that in mind when our youngest, H, is melting down about something and her brain has gone “offline” or “incommunicado”. It helps me to dig deep in my patience bucket!
Neurodivergent children struggle with every day life in ways that researchers are only really just starting to unpick. Most importantly, the recognition that those challenging behaviours, which signify their struggles, are not out of choice. A struggling child is likely behaving that way because they lack the tools to communicate their needs to survive. In the absence of the correct support and understanding (whether that’s from school, family or friends) we may be the only ones fully advocating for our child; we may be the only ones to ever see them in the deepest depths of their “survival mode”.
We know our children better than anyone. They deserve our voice, our advocacy, and our determination to help them grow into the best versions of themselves. They deserve more than simply getting through the day — they deserve to thrive.
To support them well, we need to understand what’s driving their behaviour, and we need the space to parent in the way that works for our family. That isn’t something others get to judge. It’s our right, and our responsibility, to do what our child needs.
When I feel that my parenting is being judged, I remind myself that I know categorically that the ONLY people who know the real H in our family are myself, my husband and H’s big sister. Those who live in our house, who “live” our nitty gritty day-to-day life. H’s grandparents don’t even know her in her truest form although they aren’t even aware of that fact. People only know the H that H chooses to show them. H with the “mask”. The queen of the facade. And wow is she good, she perfected the art very early on.!!
Here are a few gems of judgement that I’ve collected over the years
OP: “Why are you worrying about whether to put H to bed an hour earlier/an hour later, just because the clocks are going back/forward tonight? I just put mine to bed as normal and their body clock adjusts over the next couple of days!”
Me: “That’s nice. Shall I tell you what happens in our house? H will wake up at 4:30am, she’ll be tired and therefore will refuse to eat breakfast which will then result in her getting a headache due to blood sugars plummeting and then she’ll projectile vomit everywhere and take to her bed. I’ll spend the rest of the day pleading with her to eat something in order to break the cycle of feeling awful because she’s hungry. Then eventually she’ll agree to eat (but only after several turbulent moments deciding what she might agree to nibble at), she’ll turn into a devil possessed on a sugar high and will refuse to wind down and go to bed. We will continue in daily depleting levels of this preposterous circus for about a week until, suddenly, she’ll emerge like a butterfly as if nothing happened!”
OP: looks at me quizzically and then rapidly changes the subject.
OP: “If you put her down for a nap in busy / noisy places with lights on, she’ll learn to sleep ‘on the go’. You’re just making a rod for your own back if you only put her down in her own room with blackout blinds and you creep around silently. You’ll have so much more freedom in your day if you teach her this now whilst she’s still tiny.”
Me: “I’ve tried that but she sleeps for 10 mins, wakes up, screams for hours because she overtired and then won’t eat. And we end up on a ‘too tired to eat, too hungry to sleep’ roundabout of doom!”
OP: “Well you gotta keep doing it - she’ll learn it quicker than you think, I’m sure.! Mine sleeps in all sorts of noisy places because we did it from birth!”
Me: “Wow, why on earth didn’t I think of that!! Such diamond advice, thank you!!”
OP: gives a satisfied but pitying smile because I’m so clearly cr@p at this parenting game - meanwhile I’m fighting the urge to pour her hazelnut caramel latte over her head.
Those unwanted opinions always put me in mind of Bridget Jones who hated the “smug marrieds”.
I have had a similar aversion over the years to the “smug mammas”.!
My mum made the most profound statement a number of years ago when I was having a difficult day with my eldest (I can’t even remember why).
She said “those whose children are the most well behaved are those that don’t actually have any”. It has stuck with me forever because it carries so much weight. The judgement of others can hold a lot of power but it loses that control when we know how to whip the rug out from under it.
Learning what your child needs in order to regulate and hopefully thrive is one thing. Learning how to apply that knowledge with confidence but without judgement from others, that’s the neurodiversity parenting toolbox we all aspire to acquire.! It takes time and it takes patience but it is out there to be conquered.
We know that we are not getting a magic manual in this neurodiverse parenting journey so we are making our own personalised rule book, tailored specifically to our child.
When our children are more confident within themselves (because we are giving them the correct framework) we start to see the positive change in their behaviour. In turn it makes us, as parents, more able to navigate the judgement of others. We can offer a more assertive response with things like:
“It’s really interesting that “x” works for your child. But do you know what? I’ve actually realised that THIS works better for my child and it seems to be successful because…”.
Practicing a new skill takes time; so does learning how to ask others to be mindful of their opinions without creating conflict. If you are struggling with unwanted comments and opinions from family members, friends or teachers, it can be crushing. Remember you are the parent, you know your child best - don’t ever feel you have to apologise for speaking up.
I often find it helps to be open about H’s diagnosis (but I appreciate that’s a personal choice). When I am open, people are generally more curious than anything else, but of course it largely depends on who that person is, so I tread carefully. I like to use that curiosity to explain why H struggles with anxiety and why she needs support. In doing so I’m finding more of my tribe which is wonderful! But if they don’t enter into a positive conversation, I will just politely close the topic and move on.
Over time I’m learning not to take their lack of understanding as a personal attack. I don’t want them to judge me for my parenting methods but I also can’t judge them for not fully understanding the whole picture if they genuinely lack the knowledge and experience of parenting a neurodivergent child. We often need to pick our battles with other adults as much as we do with our children!
Be kind to yourself
Staying regulated yourself is key to being the calm in the midst of their storm. That’s not at all easy, and no parent gets that right all the time. We all have so much going on in our day - we may have work, we may have dependant parents, other children, relationship worries, financial worries, our own anxieties and overwhelm. None of us are robots.
Can you find time for some self care?
If so, please do. It can make so much difference.
The tides are shifting. Neurodiversity is becoming part of everyday conversation rather than something whispered about, even if social media still fuels plenty of negativity around supporting children with additional needs. It’s a tough world for our kids, and we hold onto the hope that real change is coming. We can’t control society, but we can shape what happens at home. And for now, choosing carefully who we open up to is not only acceptable — it’s wise.
We all make choices about our parenting journey. Some good, some bad. Some we would rather forget and some we are proud of!
In my article called "SPD and the joys of sleeping", I will tell you a defining story of when I made a terrible decision, based on others' judgements, and how it became a turning point for me in the fight to parent my child without judgement.