What do you mean by “masking”? Your child looks fine to me!
Recognising masking in your child
Masking is something that a lot of people still don’t really understand, particularly if you have a child who is very good at it and mastered it from an early age, like mine did.
Trying to explain to people that the child they see is NOT the one you are actually attempting to parent is like trying to converse in a different language.
Sometimes they nod and pretend to get it.
Often, you will just get a blank look followed by “oh right” with a furrowed brow.!!
The “unmasked” version of someone can vary in every person. The degree or length to which someone can hold their mask on can also vary hugely.
Largely, girls are better at masking than boys although obviously there are always exceptions to the rule!
One of the earliest moments that I truly recognised it in H was when she was about 8 and she was standing in the playground before school. Her best friend came over to greet her but she was only able to respond in a baby-ish voice and wouldn’t let go of my arm. We had had a difficult morning at home and she had really struggled to regulate herself before school.
Her friend said “why are you talking like a baby???”. H was mute, so I just whispered that she wasn’t feeling great. Her friend was very gracious and accepting of that explanation, nothing more was said, and off they went to class.
But it really got me thinking.
It made me realise how many times I had been missing the signs, how many situations there must’ve been over the past six or so years that her mask wasn’t holding up properly (for any number of reasons) and I had just seen it is as either silly or frustrating behaviour.
Once I knew what I was looking for, it was almost like a slap in the face!
The morning routine was instantly thrown into a new light.
Despite always having woken up at the crack of dawn, H would start off “sloth like”. There would be (depending on her regulation levels when she woke up) a varying degree of vocal “stimming”. The most she can do is sit in front of the TV for a minimum of 30 minutes because asking her to initiate tasks as soon as she woke up would cause sensory overload and a whole load of executive functioning skills that she is still acquiring.
Sometimes she might start doing handstands on her bed, or going on her hands and knees and pushing the top of her head into the floor, chatting away relentlessly in her baby voice. I started to notice that these were all signs of her being “unmasked” because she was at home, in her safe place, with all her comforts around her. Free to sensory seek and self regulate.
Why then, were we getting cross with her? Why were we so frustrated, even during those times when she was regulated and calm? Because, like all parents, we wanted and needed her to put her clothes on, to agree to come to the bathroom and brush her teeth, to stand still whilst we attempted to tame her mop of tangled ringlets! We all need our children to co-operate in the morning rush, right?! But H needs time to get her mask on, she needs time to transition.
Most notable, though, is watching how she puts that mask on over the course of the final 20 minutes before we leave the house:
the kicking in of the dopamine and adrenalin rush needed to start a task like dressing;
the baby talk starting to dissipate;
conversation begins in an age appropriate voice about what her school day has waiting for her.
Whilst in a frantic panic to leave the house on time (because lastminute.com is the only way her ADHD brain can access the executive functions skills to do the tasks), I literally see her morph into the person that she shows to the outside world.
Shoes go on at the front door, and there she is…. the mask is on, she becomes the H that everyone knows and loves. The bright, competent, eager, willing, kind and co-operative H that all her teachers have known and loved throughout primary school. It’s quite incredible to witness.
The evening routine was an even bigger eye opener because the process went literally in reverse:
responding to me in an age appropriate way about her day;
walks in the front door and strips off her clothes - literally in the hallway - all items are discarded and left where they fall;
grabs a bowl of ice cubes from the freezer;
goes to our bedroom and gets into our bed;
puts our TV on and can barely speak to anyone for 1-2 hours.
She is literally exhausted. She has done absolutely everything that has been asked of her that day. She has socialised, engaged, interacted, integrated, team played, concentrated, co-operated and focused. The model student kid.
The amount of energy and effort that has been silently and subconsciously spent is more than even she can comprehend and now her bucket is empty.
She is back home in her safe space where she can be her true self, where she can let the lid off the coke bottle that has fizzing all day. The mask is off.
Homework? Don’t even mention it.
Any small demand of any kind (like picking her clothes up of the floor / taking her plate out to the kitchen)? Forget it.
It’s not because she’s lazy or disobedient. She cannot deal with what she perceives as any more “demands”.
The 1.5 to 2 hour bedtime routine begins with everyone treading on eggshells.
It is getting slowly better because we are learning as we go; we are learning how to help her to re-regulate, how to get her to communicate. She is learning who she is and recognising when her mask is slipping. My goodness, she has even learned to recognise when my mask is slipping!!
Most importantly though, she has learned to feel free to show us her true self because she knows that she is loved and accepted for who she is… “weird ways and all” (her words not mine!)
She looks fine to me!!
Now I don’t know about you, but this is the hardest part for us as a family. Having to explain and justify to others over as to why we have to leave a social setting early because my hubby and I both know that if we don’t, it’s going to get pretty ugly very quickly after departing.
H would, seemingly to all onlookers, to be having an amazing time!! “Look at her, she’s running around with the other kids, she’s having a ball, she looks fine to us. What exactly is the problem? She doesn’t look like she’s about to declare a headache and start throwing up?! She clearly wants to stay, let her be a kid and have fun!”.
I can’t tell you the amount of times that I have been tempted to get my mobile phone out about 10 minutes before we leave a family/social gathering and turn the voice recording on; so that I can then send it other people to listen to, for themselves, as evidence of what happens when we say goodbye and come away. Sometimes, we won’t have even shut the car door and started the engine, and she’d say “I HAVE GOT A HEADACHE!!!” and we would reach for the sick bags and Calpol that we carry around with us. literally. everywhere.!!
Now let’s clarify something here.
H was having an amazing time, she was generally having an absolute blast but she is not yet able to recognise her own social limits, her own sensory overload threshold, her own internal signals. She is learning and we are progressing but we are far from over the finish line.
Until such time as she can, my husband and I will continue to be her signalling system and we will not apologise for that.
Tips and tricks
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Tips and tricks 〰️
There are lots of things that we can do get a better understanding of our child’s masking. The more we understand, the more patience we have and the more we can navigate situations that save our child from sensory overload and “masking fatigue”.
So, try this:
Get a pad and pen and draw a vertical line down the middle of the paper (or use the Notes section of your phone if more convenient of course!).
In the left hand column, write down everything and anything you notice about your child’s behaviours and habits when they are at home and there are no visitors.
Do they stim?
Physical stimming might be swinging, strange poses on the sofa, picking at their skin, hard blinking. Any repetitive movement that might suggest they are trying to self-regulate.
Similarly, they might stim vocally, such as repetitive noises or words. All self-regulation tools.
Do they prefer to be naked but at the same time enjoy being wrapped really tightly in a blanket or duvet.
In the right hand column, write down everything and anything you see in their behaviour when they are out of the house, with friends/family, at school. Anywhere that involves socialising with people who you don’t live with.
Does the stimming stop? Do they seem to be a completely different person in the way they behave?
Are they more communicative?
Do they seem to have more manners than at home?
Are they more compliant?
What do you see? How big are the stark difference? What behaviours do you notice that might signify the degree to which they may be masking?
Now some neurodivergent kids (boys more often than girls but, as I say, it’s not a set rule) don’t have the ability to mask as much or even at all. Some neurodivergent children are literally “what it says on the tin”. They are the same in the house behind closed doors as they are outside. If that’s the case, then you may feel that this particular blog piece is not going to resonate with you. However, it may bring to light a small level of masking that had, up until now, gone undetected.
If you do discover some things that could be masking traits, is it worth having an open conversation with them about what it means. Be curious with your child. Ask them how they feel when they get home after being out of the house. Talk to them about understanding how tiring masking can be and how it’s important to learn how to take the mask off at the end of the day.
Reassure them that whatever regulation tools they need, it’s fine with you (as long as everyone is safe of course!)
Try to manage their time by scheduling things that require masking with plenty of “downtime” in between. Avoiding two activities on the same day can be a good way of managing the time when they need to have their mask on. Regulation is key.
Tell them that you want to teach them to recognise the signs within themselves so that they can build an understanding of their own internal needs and when they are at full capacity i.e. when the coke bottle lid is about to blow!
There are plenty of reading materials online about how prolonged masking can cause emotional difficulties over a extended number of years and what toll it can take on a person’s mental and physical health.
Where possible, if your child is “stimming” when unmasked at home, try to let them stim freely, without judgement. Perhaps even acknowledge that you notice their stimming and that’s ok! It’s a great regulation tool, which is to be encouraged.
Take the time to observe at what point your child may be coming to the end of their ability to mask, when they start getting “fizzy” i.e. starting to argue with you, picking a fight, getting clingy or not playing well with others.
If you are going out somewhere, make a plan to leave when you see them nearing their threshold.
Allowing someone to “unmask” is important. We need time to recalibrate, to rest, to heal from the pressures of trying to be somebody else in order to please society. Trying to fit in when you feel different from your peers is exhausting.