Executive Functioning
What does that mean?
Recognising the executive functioning challenges
Meeting your child where they are at
There is so much literature about what executive functioning is and what the deficits look like. In both adults and kids alike.
For those of us with ADHD, it is a major part of the daily struggle and understanding the barriers is paramount to setting your child up for success.
So, what are executive functioning skills and why does my child not appear to have them?!
Essentially they are:
Planning | task preparation
Working memory | holding info temporarily in your head
Impulse control | effectively regulating your impulses
Flexibility | ability to adapt to change
Time management | efficient time allocation
Metacognition | awareness of thinking
Attention | staying focused on a task without distraction
Organisation | efficient ability to organise things
EF skills are where my girls overlap a lot. They are “EF challenged” in almost every aspect, some more than others but on a day to day basis, their struggles are real!
I distinctly remember L one morning when she was about nine years old. She had one leg in her school skirt. She was holding the skirt up with one hand and playing with a toy in the other hand. So distracted and focused on the toy, she was completely oblivious to the fact that she hadn’t finished putting her skirt on!!
I remember being so irritated that she couldn’t do anything in a timely manner despite the need for speed in the morning. I have vivid memories of constantly saying “why can you just do it?!”
Now obviously, years later, I carry so much guilt around my lack of understanding, my lack of empathy, my display of frustration. I genuinely had no idea the amount of effort she needed to put in just to complete things that others did without blinking an eye.
So now armed with all this new found knowledge, I tackle motherhood from a much more patient place with H.
We have progressed from: “Aaaaarrrggghhh! Why cant you just put your clothes on???!!!”
to: “How can I support you in getting through the next task of the morning routine?”.
In turn, this gives H the opportunity to vocalise her difficulties without her nervous system feeling under siege. She has learned to express her difficulties by saying “I need help with [x]!!” rather than melting down completely and me not knowing what to link the meltdown to.
Now, with full disclosure, I have to admit that we are still experiencing a fairly full scale procrastination and task avoidance lifestyle - no task gets completed without having first:
popped to the other room to cuddle the cat;
looked for a tiny toy that she hasn’t seen for six months but her life is not worth living without it;
had a drink;
popped back to check on the cat’s whereabouts;
gone to tell daddy something funny that happened several days ago;
offered the cat a treat;
done a few handstands or roly-poly routines on the bed;
gone to check the cat is still alive and is ok (by which point the cat is often hiding under the bed for a quiet life - she has no idea how much she is loved);
drawn a few pictures.
It took me several years to recognise and accept that the best way to deal with her difficulty in task initiation and focus was to embrace the dopamine lastminute.com method. That is, I get myself ready whilst she does all of the above procrastinating. I set a buzzer (visible one where she can see the time disappearing) on the landing so that everyone can see and hear it. I make sure she’s had a visual of the buzzer and then I tell her she has [x] amount of minutes until things need to start happening.
Buzzer goes off. She ignores the buzzer because she’s completely focused on something completely different and didn’t even hear it.
I have now finished getting myself ready. I reset the buzzer and I tell her she has 20 minutes to get dressed, do teeth and hair and get out the front door.
Now AT THIS POINT, I have to be fully available and at her complete disposal in order to provide:
emotional regulation support (i.e. keep her calm whilst she floods with adrenalin);
body doubling (i.e. be present in the room and literally watch her get dressed, help with buttons etc if needed);
full on hairdresser salon facilities (to be fair, even I struggle to manage her mass of curly tangles so I am not surprised she still find this hard!);
supervise the teeth brushing (although recently she has started to do this herself but it only gets done when there is literally five mins left on the buzzer).
Sit down with your child and agree in advance what the morning or bedtime routine might look like and ask them which bits they think they need support with.; an open conversation lets them know you can see, hear and understand them.
Make a written visual plan of what needs to happen by a certain time and be present as much as you can to support them being able to start and finish.
Remember that each task requires transition from one thing to the next, so try to build in enough time into your schedule for that to happen in a way that means you can be patient during the transitions, otherwise they will pick up on your vibes and it will stop them being able to stay regulated and focused on the task in hand.
Does it help to have a blast of fun music and some physical movement before tackling a task like homework?
Difficulty with task initiation often happens because a child doesn’t know how long that task might take (due to lack of ability to manage or “see” time) and so they shut off from it and can’t start. Set a timer for a reasonable amount of time so they can visually see how much time they have.
Try to break a homework task down into two halves of 10/15 slots. Be present with them in the room (body doubling) and when the buzzer goes off, do a quick movement break, something crunchy to eat and then move to a different room in the home to do the other half. Changing it up constantly can help with mental re-focus.
Stay calm, because if you are not they can’t borrow your regulation to get through. Remind them that one day they’ll be able to do it by themselves.
Remember, they are NOT choosing not to do the task, their brain is struggling to start the task on their own, so our job is to help them with it and then slowly move away once they are able to support themselves independently in that task.
I find it really helps if I separate H’s brain from her as a person when talking.
So instead of “you are struggling with” or “you aren’t managing to do….”
I might say “your brain is struggling with” or “your brain isn’t managing to do…”